Forty-eight things I’ve learned along the way

Nora Ephron famously felt bad about her neck (though hopefully she no longer does). I do not, despite having the sort of neck not found on any swan, the sort of neck not flattered by a flaw-concealing turtleneck.

In those moments when I could be feeling bad about my neck, I instead choose to feel good about the head sitting on top of it–specifically the many contents that were missing in the days when the neck beneath was flawless.

In honor of my birthday, a list of 48 random things I’ve learned thus far. (Links are mostly to previous blog posts.)

1. How to choose my battles. It’s amazing when I think about it now, how many (unimportant) things I was once willing to pitch battle for.
2. Being able to recognize my ego’s involvement has really made all the difference. At least 99% of the time, that’s what the battle was really about.
3. Compassion is a great thing to have on hand when your own or someone else’s ego flares up.
4. Kindness is also pretty important. Even when you need to draw a boundary firmly, it’s generally possible to do it with kindness.
5. How to forgive continually.
6. And how to release bitterness–also key.
7. I used to think being smart was a lot more important than it really is. It’s nice, sure, but far from the most important thing.
8. Love–that would be the most important thing.
9. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear …” (I John 4:18, KJV). When fear comes up in one of its many guises, love is the antidote.
10. Learning to meditate—life-changing for sure.
11. I learned I was an artist–and I bet you are too. I’d love to see everyone find a really good way to access their right brains.
12. I grew up laboring in a huge organic vegetable garden, but only as an adult did I discover the joy of working hand-in-hand with Mother Nature to unleash plants’ amazing desire to grow and thrive.
13. I still remember reading the magazine article that taught me to recognize a narcissist. Based on my early experience, I was choosing narcissists as friends. (Word to the wise: they don’t make very good ones.) I’ve finally learned to stop doing that. Woohoo!
14. I’ve also learned to allow others to be exactly who they are. If people in my life are behaving badly, I generally do say a few words about it–and leave it at that. People have to change, if that’s what they’re going to do, at their own pace. I hope that if they’re not ready to hear now, they will be later.
15. But just because I must allow people to be exactly who they are doesn’t mean I have to allow everyone into my inner circle, regardless of their behavior.
16. Much if not most of what I was taught as a child simply isn’t true.
17. It’s OK to be uncertain. Embracing a model that offers a complete set of answers about how the world works is certainly tempting, but it’s also a pretty good way to be wrong.
18. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter a great deal what people believe, if anything. What really matters is how we treat others. Living a good life isn’t dependent on a particular worldview.
19. Therefore, beliefs are generally not worth fighting for–but a value might be. Justice is worth fighting for.
20. Karma is real–a universal law to which there are no exceptions.
21. At the same time, if you’re a graduate student in the school of life, expectations are higher for you than for someone at the elementary-school level–and that’s fair.
22. I no longer believe you only live once. I find this comforting, because it means there’s no need to try to accomplish everything, see everything, do everything, in this one lifetime. Accordingly, I don’t have a bucket list–or if I do, it’s a short one.
23. It’s OK to relax. In fact, it’s a really good idea.
24. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. Oh, I am an introvert. (I was quite sure for awhile that I was right and Myers-Briggs was all wrong.)
25. Models are really helpful, but there’s still a lot they don’t reveal.
26. Life is not a competition.
27. Cooperation is really enjoyable.
28. Sarcasm is best in small doses, and is probably not one of the world’s great art forms.
29. Participation in social media is not a measure of the validity of my life. And Facebook friends are not the same as real friends.
30. Complaining isn’t a tool for making anything better, though feedback might be.
31. Having companion animals is totally worth the trouble and mess. And just think of all the money I’ve saved by eliminating carpet and rugs from my life!
32. An old house is worth the trouble too. But it’s best to have an excellent plumber, electrician, carpenter, and painter on speed dial.
33. I am the very best person, bar none, to define what my life should look like.
34. A good, hot bath can cure what ails you.
35. A good cup of hot tea (my favorite: acai green tea) is also a pretty good idea. I leave my desk for at least one cup of tea every day I work.
36. Whether or not you should listen to your mother depends entirely on what your mother has to say.
37. The leaders of my country may or may not be wise. If they are not, I should notice and take an active role in electing those who are.
38. Self-help is ultimately the only help there is.
39. But we could all use a hand up.
40. No one asked me to judge.
41. The less I judge, the happier I am.
42. This is what a feminist looks like.
43. I should decide what is and isn’t BS on the basis of how well it works, not what other people say about it or what it looks like on the surface.
44. But when in doubt, follow your gut.
45. It’s a good idea not to abdicate control, but it’s a mistake to think that every aspect of my life can and should be within my complete control. Forces of nature came by their name honestly.
46. I am responsible for making the world a better place–and so are you.
47. I’m not perfect, and neither is anyone I know. Discovering anyone’s imperfection should not be surprising. We’re all human.
48. The best is yet to come.

What have you learned along the way?

This post is illustrated with my SoulCollage® card Personal power + Leo.

SoulCollage cards are for personal use, and are not for sale, barter, or trade.

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My personal totem pole

As promised, here’s the SoulCollage card I made to represent my personal totem pole. Last spring, as part of a SoulCollage workshop, I listened to a guided meditation to identify companion animals for each of my chakras. I’ve made individual cards for a couple of these animals so far–the owl and the leopard. (I plan to make cards for all of them, but haven’t found all the images I need yet.) I wanted to see how the different animals fit together and perhaps support each other–and after all, the whole idea was originally inspired by the totem pole.

The animals are collaged on the card in chakra order.

My first chakra companion is the elephant, the largest mammal on land. The elephant is grounded, harmless, and moves slowly and deliberately–as should I. The elephant flicks away annoyances with its tail. The elephant offers the wisdom of many years, and has legendarily thick skin. (I’m not there yet on the tough hide.)

My second chakra companion is the leopard. Powerful, strong, and sinuous, a force to be reckoned with. Wild and sensual. Can a leopard change its spots?

My third chakra companion is the monkey. Powerful, effective, confident, certain, fights when necessary … and with its tail, always has another way to balance.

My fourth chakra companion is a joyful bird. Come fly with me!

My fifth chakra companion is a fawn. Sweet, gentle, innocent, harmless, loving. The fawn is frisky and playful.

My sixth chakra companion is an owl with a white face, like a British barn owl or a snow owl, an owl whose face features its eyes and not much else. The owl is wise and knowing, and sees clearly in darkness. The owl soars and sees everything.

My seventh chakra companion is a toad. This is the crown chakra, and there are many images of frogs wearing crowns! The toad lives in a dark, cave-like space, very yin, and we also usually turn inward to connect with our spirituality. I read that “the appearance of a Toad heralds a successful time of drawing upon and using our inner resources. People with a Toad totem can see things and people more clearly.”

I’ve found identifying totem animals to be a fun and useful process. I hope you’ll try it too!

Like a faucet that cannot be turned off

This past weekend, I went to a SoulCollage gathering and made two cards. Apparently I had a wild cat theme going on, as one of the cards featured two lionesses and a bedraggled cub, and the other featured a leopard, one of my companion animals.

One of the SoulCollage card suits is companion animals, one (or more) for each chakra, which collectively form your personal totem pole. For me the leopard represents raw power, as well as its well-known and unchangeable spots.

The idea with SoulCollage is to create cards using images that are personally meaningful to you, or that attract you for reasons you don’t fully understand, and then let them speak. I typically select images and create cards very intentionally, but find that there are still frequently surprises. Here’s what my new leopard card had to say when I read it at the gathering.

I [the leopard] am one who is powerful–a deep core of strength. I am/you are more than strong enough to deal with this situation [another challenge at work that was the topic of my question].

I [the waterfall] am the flow of blessings into your life. Believe me, they are coming. A faucet that cannot be turned off–an eternal flow of love.

Green, verdant abundance–it is all there for you, waiting to be uncovered.

Tap into your strength.

You are who you are–some people will like it–some won’t. Be with the ones who do. Be yourself, don’t change.

Every life needs a little leopard

When you wear leopard, you become the cat. –Gillian Schwartz

As I write this, coincidentally (or perhaps not) I’m wearing leopard-print flannel PJs. Last night I wore my new leopard pumps with black grosgrain trim, which are admittedly a bit more sophisticated.

Last spring, as part of a SoulCollage workshop, I listened to a guided meditation to identify companion animals for each of my chakras–a fascinating exercise. (In SoulCollage, you create your own card deck, and one of the card suites comprises these companion animals.)

Mine were an elephant, leopard, monkey, bird, fawn, raptor, British barn owl, and … toad. (Yes, that’s a total of eight–one chakra had two.) Seena Frost, the founder of SoulCollage, emphasized in the meditation that one should accept whatever companion animal appears. In the last case, an eagle (dare I say a rather more elegant animal) flitted by, but I felt honor bound to accept the toad.

I am powerful, a force to be reckoned with. Don’t be timid–walk up to life’s feast. Can a leopard change its spots? Be who you are.

Of these totem animals, I think it’s fair to say that only the leopard is truly sartorially useful. I already had a number of leopard print items in my wardrobe–a bag, a skirt, pajamas–and since have acquired more–pumps (below), a sweater. And there’s always room for more …

Animal prints are fashion news this year, but I like the thought that something as seemingly frivolous as fashion can reinforce a deeper message and meaning. Wearing leopard print can help me remember to tap the raw power within, to come into my own.