Forty-eight things I’ve learned along the way

Nora Ephron famously felt bad about her neck (though hopefully she no longer does). I do not, despite having the sort of neck not found on any swan, the sort of neck not flattered by a flaw-concealing turtleneck.

In those moments when I could be feeling bad about my neck, I instead choose to feel good about the head sitting on top of it–specifically the many contents that were missing in the days when the neck beneath was flawless.

In honor of my birthday, a list of 48 random things I’ve learned thus far. (Links are mostly to previous blog posts.)

1. How to choose my battles. It’s amazing when I think about it now, how many (unimportant) things I was once willing to pitch battle for.
2. Being able to recognize my ego’s involvement has really made all the difference. At least 99% of the time, that’s what the battle was really about.
3. Compassion is a great thing to have on hand when your own or someone else’s ego flares up.
4. Kindness is also pretty important. Even when you need to draw a boundary firmly, it’s generally possible to do it with kindness.
5. How to forgive continually.
6. And how to release bitterness–also key.
7. I used to think being smart was a lot more important than it really is. It’s nice, sure, but far from the most important thing.
8. Love–that would be the most important thing.
9. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear …” (I John 4:18, KJV). When fear comes up in one of its many guises, love is the antidote.
10. Learning to meditate—life-changing for sure.
11. I learned I was an artist–and I bet you are too. I’d love to see everyone find a really good way to access their right brains.
12. I grew up laboring in a huge organic vegetable garden, but only as an adult did I discover the joy of working hand-in-hand with Mother Nature to unleash plants’ amazing desire to grow and thrive.
13. I still remember reading the magazine article that taught me to recognize a narcissist. Based on my early experience, I was choosing narcissists as friends. (Word to the wise: they don’t make very good ones.) I’ve finally learned to stop doing that. Woohoo!
14. I’ve also learned to allow others to be exactly who they are. If people in my life are behaving badly, I generally do say a few words about it–and leave it at that. People have to change, if that’s what they’re going to do, at their own pace. I hope that if they’re not ready to hear now, they will be later.
15. But just because I must allow people to be exactly who they are doesn’t mean I have to allow everyone into my inner circle, regardless of their behavior.
16. Much if not most of what I was taught as a child simply isn’t true.
17. It’s OK to be uncertain. Embracing a model that offers a complete set of answers about how the world works is certainly tempting, but it’s also a pretty good way to be wrong.
18. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter a great deal what people believe, if anything. What really matters is how we treat others. Living a good life isn’t dependent on a particular worldview.
19. Therefore, beliefs are generally not worth fighting for–but a value might be. Justice is worth fighting for.
20. Karma is real–a universal law to which there are no exceptions.
21. At the same time, if you’re a graduate student in the school of life, expectations are higher for you than for someone at the elementary-school level–and that’s fair.
22. I no longer believe you only live once. I find this comforting, because it means there’s no need to try to accomplish everything, see everything, do everything, in this one lifetime. Accordingly, I don’t have a bucket list–or if I do, it’s a short one.
23. It’s OK to relax. In fact, it’s a really good idea.
24. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. Oh, I am an introvert. (I was quite sure for awhile that I was right and Myers-Briggs was all wrong.)
25. Models are really helpful, but there’s still a lot they don’t reveal.
26. Life is not a competition.
27. Cooperation is really enjoyable.
28. Sarcasm is best in small doses, and is probably not one of the world’s great art forms.
29. Participation in social media is not a measure of the validity of my life. And Facebook friends are not the same as real friends.
30. Complaining isn’t a tool for making anything better, though feedback might be.
31. Having companion animals is totally worth the trouble and mess. And just think of all the money I’ve saved by eliminating carpet and rugs from my life!
32. An old house is worth the trouble too. But it’s best to have an excellent plumber, electrician, carpenter, and painter on speed dial.
33. I am the very best person, bar none, to define what my life should look like.
34. A good, hot bath can cure what ails you.
35. A good cup of hot tea (my favorite: acai green tea) is also a pretty good idea. I leave my desk for at least one cup of tea every day I work.
36. Whether or not you should listen to your mother depends entirely on what your mother has to say.
37. The leaders of my country may or may not be wise. If they are not, I should notice and take an active role in electing those who are.
38. Self-help is ultimately the only help there is.
39. But we could all use a hand up.
40. No one asked me to judge.
41. The less I judge, the happier I am.
42. This is what a feminist looks like.
43. I should decide what is and isn’t BS on the basis of how well it works, not what other people say about it or what it looks like on the surface.
44. But when in doubt, follow your gut.
45. It’s a good idea not to abdicate control, but it’s a mistake to think that every aspect of my life can and should be within my complete control. Forces of nature came by their name honestly.
46. I am responsible for making the world a better place–and so are you.
47. I’m not perfect, and neither is anyone I know. Discovering anyone’s imperfection should not be surprising. We’re all human.
48. The best is yet to come.

What have you learned along the way?

This post is illustrated with my SoulCollage® card Personal power + Leo.

SoulCollage cards are for personal use, and are not for sale, barter, or trade.

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The beauty of compassion

This is the SoulCollage card I made last Sunday afternoon, in the midst of being strongly irritated by (in my estimation) a friend’s immature behavior.

This is Kuan Yin, goddess and bodhisattva of compassion, kindness, mercy, and protection. She has beautiful energy–as, I suppose, bodhisattvas do.

Usually when I decide to make a SoulCollage card, I have an idea of what the theme is going to be, but on this day I didn’t have anything preconceived. I sat down to look at images I’d saved, and before I knew it, I’d pulled out three of Kuan Yin. At first I wasn’t sure they were all her, because they weren’t all labeled, but I noticed all of them held the same upside-down vase (which a little research revealed is a water jar).

I understood that the trait of compassion was being emphasized to me, and took the message to heart.

This post is illustrated with my SoulCollage card Kuan Yin.

SoulCollage® cards are for personal use, and are not for sale, barter, or trade.

 

Stay the path

This is my SoulCollage card reading from last night … I was feeling a bit jangled after Thanksgiving dinner, which was pleasant, but nonetheless necessarily involved many disparate energies. I thought that a reading might be helpful, and it absolutely was. I was reminded of why this process is so worthwhile.

We have compassion for you–have compassion for yourself. You are learning, continually learning. That’s as it should be. That is all.

Writing is what you are meant to do, and you’re doing it. That is as it should be. That’s all.

You will open the gate for others; that’s what you’re doing right now, and doing it well. Be proud of yourself–you are doing just what you should be. You will get better and better–practice makes perfect. But for right now, you’re doing fine–very well. That is all.

Here you see the two paths. Don’t be distracted from yours. There’s much that is not the main event–don’t be distracted by that. Stay the path, keep to the path. That is all.

SoulCollage® cards are for personal use, and are not for sale, barter, or trade.

 

Places to go

Last night as I was getting ready to meditate, I had the idea to read some of my SoulCollage cards as part of my practice. I chose the following four cards, flipping through my deck to see what stood out to me. As I write this, I’m kind of amazed that my reading was coherent as I did it while Precious the cat, whom I’m socializing, was lounging all over me and the cards. This is what they said …

I am the one who has places to go … I will not always be where I am.

You will move on. It’s the right thing to do.

I am the one who is compassionate toward all living things. I am the embodiment of love in the world.

I am one who longs to be of service to others.

You will get your chance. You will open many doors–this is just the beginning.

Your heart is very large–expansive and expanding. You have much to offer the world. You will send your message of love and courage out all over the world, and it will be blessed.

This post is illustrated with my SoulCollage cards New Journeys, Understanding + Two Paths, Opening the gate + Fawn totem–5th chakra, and Hope + Bird totem–4th chakra. 

How to handle a narcissist

You might assume that the way to come out on top is to focus relentlessly on your own agenda, desires, and needs–but that’s what narcissists do, and narcissists are not effective players in the game of life. Self-obsession will take you only so far. –Phillip McGraw

I don’t like to brag, but I consider myself somewhat uniquely qualified to address this topic, as I’ve been associating with narcissists since the very moment I was born. And for the past year or so, I’ve had one within a few feet of me at the office. I sincerely hope that you, dear reader, find yourself with less expertise on this particular topic.

First, how to identify the species? I was well into adulthood before I realized what was ‘off’ about one of my family members. It may be that you, too, are an expert, and don’t even know it!

1. The narcissist is deeply engaged with what other people think.
2. But the narcissist doesn’t care about much else. S/he may tell you that you care too much. (I sometimes wonder if a narcissist coined the term do-gooder, for those who, you know, care so much they actually try to do something about it.)
3. It is all about the narcissist. Not about you … never about you.

Any questions? (No, it’s still not about you.)

I recommend the following strategies for dealing effectively with narcissists:

1. Keep your distance. Need I say that a narcissist is never going to improve the quality of your life? So arm’s length is good, and much further away than that is ideal.
2. The narcissist is likely to attempt to use and/or manipulate you, and will likely be frightened if these attempts fail, because the world isn’t working the way it’s supposed to. Your mission is to ensure that these finely-honed manipulation techniques do not work on you.
3. To this end, let it be known that you are serene in the face of judgment and insult. Let it be known that you don’t much care what other people think. Let it be known that temper tantrums don’t affect you one way or the other. Let it be known that you do not accept double standards or unreasonable boundaries.
4. Some experts say that the narcissist may have became one due to an emotional wound. So have compassion for the narcissist, as this cannot be a good way to live, and may in fact be a hell on earth … cut off from others, from caring about all that’s truly important in life, from knowing that we are all one, and that ultimately, love is all there is. Be grateful that you have dealt with your issues (I assume you received your share) more productively.
5. Remind yourself how truly lucky you are to not be in the narcissist’s shoes, by engaging in one of the many activities unavailable to him or her. Reach out in love and kindness to someone else, expecting nothing in return. Look into the eyes of someone different from you and say to yourself, I am you, you are me. Hug or kiss someone and feel the love flowing between you.
6. Realize you are truly blessed.

A prayer before work

Today I found this prayer in an old issue of Spirituality & Health (May/June 2008), accompanying an article by Susan Baller-Shepard, “Blessing Your Workspace.”

Holy One, I come to work today, and this is what I offer: Me. Here. In this place.

Use this life of mine for a higher cause, a greater good. If this is not a place that is good for me or for the world, then help me to move on from this work.

May this be a place of transformation. May I learn the lessons here that I am to learn. May I convey hope or healing to those I encounter today in person, on the phone, or via e-mail.

If there is chaos or a problem here today, may I listen deeply, beyond the din of that noise.

If there are politics played out, please help me to act wisely. May I keep my ego in check. May I be generous and compassionate.

Amen.

I will definitely be using this …