Forty-eight things I’ve learned along the way

Nora Ephron famously felt bad about her neck (though hopefully she no longer does). I do not, despite having the sort of neck not found on any swan, the sort of neck not flattered by a flaw-concealing turtleneck.

In those moments when I could be feeling bad about my neck, I instead choose to feel good about the head sitting on top of it–specifically the many contents that were missing in the days when the neck beneath was flawless.

In honor of my birthday, a list of 48 random things I’ve learned thus far. (Links are mostly to previous blog posts.)

1. How to choose my battles. It’s amazing when I think about it now, how many (unimportant) things I was once willing to pitch battle for.
2. Being able to recognize my ego’s involvement has really made all the difference. At least 99% of the time, that’s what the battle was really about.
3. Compassion is a great thing to have on hand when your own or someone else’s ego flares up.
4. Kindness is also pretty important. Even when you need to draw a boundary firmly, it’s generally possible to do it with kindness.
5. How to forgive continually.
6. And how to release bitterness–also key.
7. I used to think being smart was a lot more important than it really is. It’s nice, sure, but far from the most important thing.
8. Love–that would be the most important thing.
9. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear …” (I John 4:18, KJV). When fear comes up in one of its many guises, love is the antidote.
10. Learning to meditate—life-changing for sure.
11. I learned I was an artist–and I bet you are too. I’d love to see everyone find a really good way to access their right brains.
12. I grew up laboring in a huge organic vegetable garden, but only as an adult did I discover the joy of working hand-in-hand with Mother Nature to unleash plants’ amazing desire to grow and thrive.
13. I still remember reading the magazine article that taught me to recognize a narcissist. Based on my early experience, I was choosing narcissists as friends. (Word to the wise: they don’t make very good ones.) I’ve finally learned to stop doing that. Woohoo!
14. I’ve also learned to allow others to be exactly who they are. If people in my life are behaving badly, I generally do say a few words about it–and leave it at that. People have to change, if that’s what they’re going to do, at their own pace. I hope that if they’re not ready to hear now, they will be later.
15. But just because I must allow people to be exactly who they are doesn’t mean I have to allow everyone into my inner circle, regardless of their behavior.
16. Much if not most of what I was taught as a child simply isn’t true.
17. It’s OK to be uncertain. Embracing a model that offers a complete set of answers about how the world works is certainly tempting, but it’s also a pretty good way to be wrong.
18. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter a great deal what people believe, if anything. What really matters is how we treat others. Living a good life isn’t dependent on a particular worldview.
19. Therefore, beliefs are generally not worth fighting for–but a value might be. Justice is worth fighting for.
20. Karma is real–a universal law to which there are no exceptions.
21. At the same time, if you’re a graduate student in the school of life, expectations are higher for you than for someone at the elementary-school level–and that’s fair.
22. I no longer believe you only live once. I find this comforting, because it means there’s no need to try to accomplish everything, see everything, do everything, in this one lifetime. Accordingly, I don’t have a bucket list–or if I do, it’s a short one.
23. It’s OK to relax. In fact, it’s a really good idea.
24. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. Oh, I am an introvert. (I was quite sure for awhile that I was right and Myers-Briggs was all wrong.)
25. Models are really helpful, but there’s still a lot they don’t reveal.
26. Life is not a competition.
27. Cooperation is really enjoyable.
28. Sarcasm is best in small doses, and is probably not one of the world’s great art forms.
29. Participation in social media is not a measure of the validity of my life. And Facebook friends are not the same as real friends.
30. Complaining isn’t a tool for making anything better, though feedback might be.
31. Having companion animals is totally worth the trouble and mess. And just think of all the money I’ve saved by eliminating carpet and rugs from my life!
32. An old house is worth the trouble too. But it’s best to have an excellent plumber, electrician, carpenter, and painter on speed dial.
33. I am the very best person, bar none, to define what my life should look like.
34. A good, hot bath can cure what ails you.
35. A good cup of hot tea (my favorite: acai green tea) is also a pretty good idea. I leave my desk for at least one cup of tea every day I work.
36. Whether or not you should listen to your mother depends entirely on what your mother has to say.
37. The leaders of my country may or may not be wise. If they are not, I should notice and take an active role in electing those who are.
38. Self-help is ultimately the only help there is.
39. But we could all use a hand up.
40. No one asked me to judge.
41. The less I judge, the happier I am.
42. This is what a feminist looks like.
43. I should decide what is and isn’t BS on the basis of how well it works, not what other people say about it or what it looks like on the surface.
44. But when in doubt, follow your gut.
45. It’s a good idea not to abdicate control, but it’s a mistake to think that every aspect of my life can and should be within my complete control. Forces of nature came by their name honestly.
46. I am responsible for making the world a better place–and so are you.
47. I’m not perfect, and neither is anyone I know. Discovering anyone’s imperfection should not be surprising. We’re all human.
48. The best is yet to come.

What have you learned along the way?

This post is illustrated with my SoulCollage® card Personal power + Leo.

SoulCollage cards are for personal use, and are not for sale, barter, or trade.

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Personal power

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. –Wayne Dyer

I came across this quote earlier in the week, just hours before I’d really, really need it.

You just never know when someone’s going to act the fool, and you’re going to need to respond like the sane, mature individual you are to the most outrageous thing you’ve ever heard. There was definitely a Full Moon this week, no doubt about that.

I was able to respond with calm strength from the core of who I really am, and I’m pretty certain the other person didn’t get much satisfaction from my response, which wasn’t quite what he was looking for. It wasn’t an easy experience, but it was satisfactory. I really believe that it’s at times like this that the work of staying grounded and maintaining a regular spiritual practice really pays off, by making us more of who we really are. And that is something I’m truly thankful for.

This post is illustrated with the SoulCollage® card I made today. I went to the bookstore yesterday to look at magazines, and when I saw this lion, I knew the magazine was coming home with me. I’ve never made a card for my sun sign–until now. I’ve called this one Personal power + Leo.

SoulCollage cards are for personal use, and are not for sale, barter, or trade.

 

Unshakable beliefs

Recently I came across a “Something to think about” question in an old issue of O magazine that made me want to sit down and answer it … “Which of your beliefs are unshakable? In the space below, write the fundamental principles you live by.”

Such an interesting question. I was raised in a fundamentalist environment chock-full of “unshakable beliefs,” virtually none of which I subscribe to at this point in my life. I’ve changed my mind so many times that there isn’t a lot that I like to say I’m absolutely sure of. But I suppose there are a few things …

• Love is stronger than hate.
• Karma is for real, and there are no exceptions.
• Doing the right thing as best I know how is the key to a peaceful mind.
• Justice does prevail, though it may not be anything like immediate.
• I live in a benevolent Universe.
• I chose to be here.
• I am here to learn.
• Life is difficult, and also beautiful.
• I prefer the truth to anything else.
• Change is constant–you might as well welcome it.
• Positivity beats negativity.
• Ego is incompatible with enlightenment.
• Meditation–preferably twice a day–is essential to my living my best life.
• Healing is worth the effort.
• Kindness matters.

How would you answer this question … what are your unshakable beliefs?

This post is illustrated with my SoulCollage card The Lover, the last of the cards I made at the archetypes retreat I attended last month.

SoulCollage® cards are for personal use, and are not for sale, barter, or trade.

How to demonstrate grace under fire

Last weekend, as I prepared to write this post, I had a couple of ideas in mind. Although this is my 100th post, and also my birthday post, my ideas weren’t ambitious. I knew I’d be out celebrating my birthday most of the weekend, and wouldn’t have much time to write or collage.

But when I sat down to meditate and ask for inspiration (as I almost always do before writing), the Muse clearly had other ideas.

The topic had something to do with my birthday–but what? “What you’ve learned, what you’ve accomplished.”

I wasn’t sure what that might be … but looking back at the year, it did seem the most significant event was that whole mess that started in January …

Great difficulty–handled with grace, the most ever. Outclassed [those who created the difficulty and the others involved].

So, it seemed I had a topic–one I wasn’t terribly sure how to start writing about. I decided to start by making a SoulCollage card on the topic, to help focus my thoughts–and here you see the results. This took me a few days. When I completed the card and read it, this is what it said …

 I am the one who is under pressure–and yet I am calm. Joyful, even. I am vulnerable, and yet I am very, very strong.

In the eye of the storm, I am calm. Why not?

Should you find yourself in great difficulty–and unfortunately I suppose it does come to us all eventually–here are a few ideas that I hope will help you handle it with grace and dignity …

1. Remaining calm is a truly excellent idea. It allows you to process what’s happening and perceive it clearly without a bunch of upset getting in the way. And it feels (and looks) much better than wigging out. “Keep calm and carry on,” says the mug on my desk. (It’s an unused piece of British WWII propaganda–held in reserve for a serious emergency, and then never used.)
2. Never let ’em see you sweat. You will no doubt need to vent in private, but remaining calm has the additional benefit of giving less than no satisfaction to anyone who may be attempting to create difficulty for you.
3. When people come out of the shadows and attack you, they’re giving you a lot of information about who they are. This gives you a kind of power. And you should never forget what you’ve learned.
4. Don’t allow the noxious weed of resentment to take root in your garden. Justified? Perhaps. But this is your health and wellbeing we’re talking about, not anyone else’s. So the resentment absolutely has to go.
5. I find it helpful to remember that there are no exceptions to karma. It comes to everyone, no matter how apparently powerful or well-positioned. If someone is treating you unfairly or unjustly, it will most certainly come back to them. I’ve read that this cycle typically occurs in a 5-year timeframe, and my own experience bears that out.
6. If you’re being wronged, don’t hesitate to defend yourself. Calmly, professionally, inexorably.
7. When doing so, bear your audience in mind. Some may respond more to a reasoned argument, others more to an honest expression of your feelings.
8. Be honest, and at the same time, hold something in reserve. You don’t need to tell everything you know or feel. Communicate enough to make your point; what you’ve reserved may come in handy for a rebuttal.
9. It’s very reasonable to be angry when you’re being treated unfairly. But do yourself the honor of channeling your anger into effective action that furthers your cause, rather than allowing your anger to ineffectively blow up, thus setting you back.
10. No one else gets to dictate how you feel and what you’re stressed about. That choice is yours.
11. While you are vulnerable in this world, it’s good to remember when under attack or duress that there are many things you possess that are inalienable and cannot be touched, no matter how dismal another person’s intentions may be. Your eternal soul, and its purpose and accomplishments. All the love you’ve given and received. All the joy you’ve experienced and have yet to experience. The truth of the situation. All of your many choices. All these things are yours.
12. Take good care of yourself. Make sure you’re getting sleep, good, healthy food, physical activity–all that your body needs. Feed your mind and spirit too. Keep all aspects of your strength up–this is key.
13. Don’t forget to have fun and do all the things you enjoy.
14. Take advantage of all of your support systems–your partner if you have one, friends, family, supportive coworkers. And don’t forget your ancestors and all the angels standing by, just waiting to be asked to help.
15. Strike an effective balance between being high-profile (making your voice heard) and low-profile (flying under the radar).
16. If you already have your ego in check, you’re at a tremendous advantage in almost any situation over those who don’t–and that’s especially true now.
17. Every person, and every difficult situation, is different. Please consider these elements potential ingredients in your personal recipe for grace and calm.

This post is illustrated with the SoulCollage card I made this past week, Grace under pressure.

Whatever happened to Hitler?

I grew up hearing an awful lot about hell. To hear the minister I grew up listening to tell it, the vast majority of people were headed there, and it was a slippery slope for those of us sitting there listening to the hellfire-and-brimstone sermon. We were the elect, and yet … there still seemed to be the possibility of something going terribly, terribly wrong for us if we didn’t do things just exactly as the minister said they should be done.

It’s been some time since hell seemed credible to me, if indeed it ever did. Thinking back, even as a child those tales of Satan and the fiery pit sounded wild and over the top. Unbelievable, you might say.

These days, always with the principle of uncertainty in mind, I’m much more inclined to believe that we come here many times to learn all of life’s lessons. I’m inclined to believe that we’re mostly all doing our best, and that usually (OK, always) it’s people’s egos rather than a fork-tailed Devil leading them astray.

However, it’s pretty undeniable that there are some people who are downright evil, and Hitler is of course everyone’s favorite example. And if there’s no hell for Hitler, what exactly happens to someone like that (or like Dick Cheney)? I’ve actually wondered for some time exactly what Hitler might be up to now, and how the reincarnation of someone like that might be handled (if at all).

Yesterday I had some time to kill between an errand and dinner in another city, so I went to Barnes & Noble, gathered a few books that looked interesting, and sat down with a salted caramel mocha to peruse them.

And found an interesting theory, not to say a fairly credible answer to my longstanding question.

Two of the books I picked up were Michael Newton’s Journey of Souls and Destiny of Souls (the one I ended up buying).

Michael Newton’s story is somewhat similar to Brian Weiss‘s. He was a highly skeptical hypnotherapist who was into science, not new age stuff, when he accidentally regressed a subject to a time frame he didn’t even believe in–one prior to the subject’s current life.

His work is different than Weiss’s in that he focuses fairly exclusively on the period between lives, from death to reincarnation. He’s also been interested in developing a model of how things work on the other side, by integrating the various reports of his clients, who are at various levels of soul maturity and have differing specialties and expertise.

In his books he presents his models, illustrating each point with a case study interview. The two I found quite interesting in relation to my question were with two people whose work on the other side is with the healing and management of souls who’ve committed serious wrongdoing, or outright evil and atrocities, while incarnated.

One thing that’s consistent in Newton’s interviews of his subjects is frequent references to having limited knowledge, and to being very junior in comparison to others with much more expertise. (These souls are typically advanced from the perspective of Earth, junior from the perspective of the other side.) Newton points out that his work is necessarily limited by only interviewing those who are still incarnating, who are clearly not the ones with the most knowledge of the subjects being discussed. Nonetheless, the books are utterly fascinating and unlike anything else I’ve ever read in their level of detail.

In the case of serious wrongdoing, Newton’s case study source indicates that healers work with the damaged soul’s energy, repairing, reweaving, and reshaping it in preparation for the soul’s reparations work. The goal is to increase the likelihood of the soul’s future success, while leaving necessary soul memory intact.

In the case of those who have committed evil, persistent cruelty and harm to perhaps many others, the case study source reports that those who work in this area evaluate whether or not the soul is “salvageable.” If so, the soul is offered three options (otherwise, only the final two).

1. Be rehabilitated, and then make karmic reparations in a series of lives in which the soul will experience “an equal measure of the same kind of pain they have caused to many people.” Newton’s case study 21 reports that most souls don’t have the courage to take this option.
2. Be remodeled, which involves significantly diluting the soul’s energy (and thus identity) with fresh energy, such that the negative effect of the original energy is no longer present. This process is intended to set the soul up for future success.
3. Go into limbo, a place of solitude. This option is chosen in preference to option 2 by souls who “will not stand for any loss of identity.”

I’d read before of a healing process for souls who’ve had difficult lives and require extra help recovering that one author refers to as “cocooning.” I’d wondered if perhaps someone like Hitler would be cocooned indefinitely. I suppose this thought bears some resemblance to option 3.

If you’re interested in the afterlife, the soul’s progression, and our work and purpose both here and on the other side, I recommend Destiny of Souls. I think you’ll find it as fascinating as I do.

Experiments with intention

I believe that with our intentions, we can change the world and our own lives for the better.

I believe this because I’ve proved it to myself by experimenting.

It all started when I got my car (a 2006 model, so that was the approximate year), and it came with XM radio, where I started listening to Oprah’s Soul Series. I also bought and read a number of books written by the people she was interviewing on the series.

Consequently I was reading a lot about the law of attraction, and I decided to try it. I’d sit on the sofa before work and spend 15 or 20 minutes with my journal.

First I would write, as mentioned in Esther Hicks‘s books, “I am in my Creative Workshop.” This phrase acknowledges that each of us has the power to be a creator of our own experiences.

Then I would express appreciation for all that’s good in my life by writing down five or more things I felt thankful for–big or small, it doesn’t matter. Genuine appreciation and gratitude are what’s important.

Then I’d write down intentions for my day and my life. I’d think about where I was experiencing dissatisfaction, and write intentions that would improve my situation.

I began to notice that doing this really worked.

The very first thing I remember noticing a change in was the bird chorus outside my door as I did this practice. I was writing in my journal early in the morning, and one of the things I was grateful for was the beautiful birdsong I was hearing. There wasn’t much at first, a few twitters and trills, but as I kept noticing it each morning, it really intensified. I don’t know if more birds showed up, or if the ones I already had sang louder and longer, but it was really something! Just as all the books said, I got more of what I was noticing and paying attention to.

One of the intentions I set that continues to affect my life was to be willing to be in non-judgment of others. (If you want to change your life, this is a great way to do it.) I found that as I set this intention each day, I began following through on it, and dropping my judgments of others. I began saying to myself when I felt judgment come up, “We’re all doing our best.” Or, “No one asked you to judge.”

I could see how I could impact my own life, and I began to wonder, what about something bigger, something that involves many more people than just me and the people I know. Could I change that?

For many years, I commuted to work about 45 miles each way. My manager at the time was fairly inflexible about the hours we worked, so I had to drive during rush hour. I really wanted to drive to work in smoothly-flowing traffic as I was used to doing, but it seemed like an impossible goal. I decided to ask anyway.

I began writing down my intention to drive to work in smoothly-flowing traffic each morning in my journal. I did this for several weeks.

One day at work, one of my coworkers who’d seemed to be nursing a grudge against me and who also had a long commute from a similar location, stopped by and told me about a shortcut through the airport that I never knew existed. She had the air of someone getting something off her chest. I asked for a few details, thanked her, and promptly tried it the next morning.

Well … guess what? The shortcut took me around the worst of the traffic. When I drove to work using this shortcut, I found myself driving, most of the time, in smoothly-flowing traffic. Just as I’d intended.

Wow … I was impressed. A really helpful solution to a problem I thought couldn’t be solved, that definitely improved the quality of my life.

What I learned was, just ask. Don’t worry about how intractable a problem seems, just ask for a solution.

I stopped journaling every morning years later when I had a boss who made me show up to work even earlier. But I still use the journal technique when a significant issue arises.

Last week, someone at work whom I’ll call Bob reared his head again. Bob has a medium-important title, a real facility for regressing to childhood in the blink of an eye, and quite a mean streak. Fear and intimidation seem to be his preferred ways of getting things done.

So last Wednesday on a conference call, when I was right and Bob was wrong, he spoke to me with a degree of contempt that was notable to everyone present. I received multiple apologies afterward–none of them from Bob.

My manager is well aware of the problem and is working to address it. Bob has already had one person in his group get disgusted with the way he was being treated and quit. One of his more highly-skilled people, I might add. Bob has also been asked to apologize to someone who sits near me whom he’d spoken to nastily–I overheard that apology. His MO seems to be that when he knows his team has made a serious mistake, he becomes proactively nasty to those he thinks might draw attention to it. Like I say, he operates out of fear.

I’ve done much of what I can to address the problem in the realm of work, but I don’t like to sit on my hands, I like to call in the big guns. I decided it was time to write some good old-fashioned intentions in my journal.

It is my intention that Bob treat me and those I work for with absolute and complete respect. It is my intention that we be able to do our jobs freely, correctly, and well, without interference from Bob or anyone else.

It is my intention that any negative techniques Bob is using and any ethical lapses he has made come to the full and immediate attention of his superiors, and that they take swift action to correct these problems completely.

I also ask that any karmic consequences due to Bob arrive in a timely way.

On Friday we received a remarkably polite e-mail from Bob. When I investigated I found that someone on our team had made an error, and I responded with a solution. Now that is the kind of interaction I’m looking for.

I know how mercurial Bob is, and I don’t think we’re out of the woods just yet. But I have every reason to believe that setting intentions works. At times like this, it’s very good to know that it’s completely possible, no matter who you are and no matter how much power the world says you have or don’t have, to tap into the power of the Universe to get things done, solve problems, and see justice done. A power–need I say–far greater than Bob’s. And a technique far better than fear and intimidation.

And so my latest experiment begins. I reiterate my intentions, and wait for a solution to arrive.

Being impeccable

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. –Abraham Lincoln

A few years ago, I realized I often felt crummy at the end of the day. Finally it occurred to me to imagine that perhaps this wasn’t necessary, and to wonder why I felt this way. By the time I put two and two together, it had been going on practically my whole life.

Crummy is a technical term of course … I suppose malaise is the sophisticated French word for it, but of course there’s nothing sophisticated about feeling crummy.

What I finally realized was that anytime I knew I wasn’t living up to my values, whenever I crossed my conscience with my actions, I created a bit of ‘yuck’ that stuck with me. By the end of the day, I’d often created a whole pile of yuck that I was dragging around with me. And that felt crummy.

I think perhaps it took me awhile to figure it out because I typically wasn’t breaking any of the major old-school commandments–no killing, lying, stealing, nothing that could get me put away. I was just doing things that ‘everyone’ does. But let’s face it, a lot of those commandments–on their face anyway–set the bar fairly low. Of course, there is that other standard …

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. –Jesus (John 15:12)

So after a few decades of low-grade yuck, I decided a change was in order. I realized I had the option, whenever a choice between right and wrong presented itself, to simply decide ahead of time that in those circumstances I would automatically, without question, thought, or debate, take the choice I already knew to be right. I realized I could just make it a habit. I think of this practice as ‘being impeccable.’

What this means, to me, is not getting the dig in (no matter how well-deserved), not taking that obvious opportunity for revenge, choosing not to feel resentful when I have every ‘right’ to. It’s not that I don’t remember who has failed me, who’s been hateful, and who’s thrown me under the bus. I remember, and I take measures to protect myself in the future. But I believe there’s the universal law of karma to take care of all of that, and I know that resentment is like drinking poison.

Sarcasm? It happens to be one of my gifts, but unless it will amuse everyone and involves no unkindness, perhaps not. Kicking someone who’s down? I’ve been there, and I haven’t forgotten how much I hate it. A small meanness? There is no meanness small enough. Meanness is am absolutely direct path (do not pass go, do not collect $200) to yuck.

When I feel my ego rearing its head (not a pretty head, by the way), I recognize what’s happening and don’t allow it to take over. (The ego is not exactly impeccable.)

I’m by no means perfect, and on no one’s shortlist for sainthood. I certainly still make mistakes. But in choosing to do better when I know better, I feel like I’m onto something pretty good. At the end of the day, I tend to have peace of mind about the choices I’ve made. And that self-created pile of yuck? History.